I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
oh u like geography? name every lake
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.