Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
You Might Also Like
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.