Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Sharon I have some bad news
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Science memes
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”