I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
THIS HEADLINE
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*