it be like that
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On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.