I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
i can’t wait that long
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies