Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.