*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Name another movie that mislead you?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…