“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.