For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works