So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.