fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
the Monday after daylight savings
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*has no idea what a book even is*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters