[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Good boy 😂😂
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.