A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
This cat wants you to take your pills
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I feel attacked.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure