me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
This pepper has seen some shit
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.