My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear