Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.