wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
For those that worship cheese..
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read