me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s