reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
He’s dead
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.