Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Yup
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE