last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother