If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
another case of gang violins
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.