hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges