I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I unironically love this joke.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.