I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Good news
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”