I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.