Should I call tech support or pray or what
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish