Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
You Might Also Like
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.