[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet