You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
hi why am I like this
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened