[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
had to share :’)
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.