me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Autocarrot sucks!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.