what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU