After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Wise advice
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.