her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Yeah. This was me today.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”