If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.