Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
a badder mouse
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night