Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Previously On Persistence 😎
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.