Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Come back with a warrant
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.