My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.