Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
You Might Also Like
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023