I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please