I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.