“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
i wish i could marry a nap
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.