they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!