We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Stick it to the man
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?