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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
me logging onto twitter
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure