my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
You Might Also Like
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Best spoiler warning ever
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something