If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.